WHERE IS THE COMMISH?

By Daddy Phat

Commish was in the hospital on bed rest with an “Infection”. It is thought he may have received the infection through a small cut on his foot and it may have happened because he didn’t wear socks (sanitary hose) with his hockey skates. However it happened, sources said he was like a caged animal every day in the hospital (gerbil, we think) but his health improved daily. He spent his days watching Jerry Springer and identifying potential role models from the panel of distinguished guest on the show. He was drawn to the show by the things he had in common with the guest. They all skipped days from work; spend most of the day in bed and haven’t worn pants or showered in days.

While in the hospital and due to no fault of his own, the Commish was unable to bath himself with all the tubes and needles stuck in him; so, of course he began to gain an aroma. Nurses suggested since he could not shower as usual that maybe he should opt for a sponge bath. Hearing this, the Commish began screaming uncontrollably ramblings like “no bath from Sponge Bob, no bath from Sponge Bob”.






Hospital staff had no other choice but to sedate the Commish, which they did successfully. Resting comfortably and calm, the original problem of stench still needed to be addressed. The aroma had gotten so bad that hospital officials came to discuss the situation with him and explained that a sponge bath was NECESSARY and would be performed by a trained professional and that it could be a very soothing and relaxing experience. Still apprehensive, the Commish needed more convincing. The hospital staff gathered and did some brain storming and came up with an idea of using audio video aids to persuade him. Once they showed the “Sponge Bath” episode of Seinfeld the Commish had his concerns eased and agreed to the bath. As he waited for the bath, he thought of how nice it will be to be clean and imagined the gentle touch of a well trained professional just like Seinfeld. Well he sat there with anticipation envisioning a gorgeous, young and eager nurse that would soon be there to care for his bath needs, get him clean all while staying a “little dirty”. What would she look like? A blonde, redhead?




His mind was racing as he thought about the upcoming event, all he had to do was complete the red tape paper work and then his bath, Ahhhhh….

The hospital Administrator came into his room and reviewed his Health Insurance and explained his coverage. It wasn’t quite as good insurance as he had thought, but OK so he won’t get the young gorgeous nurse. He would be fine with a pretty nurse and hell they are all young compared to him, so it’s still good. The Administrator went on to explain that with the change in the White House and the new social policies implemented his insurance coverage would not match what he has been paying for in his check each week. In this new “spread the wealth” system he would need to accept lesser services so that some guy he doesn’t know, that doesn’t have insurance could receive health care as well. So the Commish thinks, this stinks, but it is only a sponge bath how can this be affected. So the Commish agrees and is off for his sponge bath.

Who he got, OR who got him




Shocked and horrified by the nurse and the experience the Commish had a melt down. Apparently the stress and anxiety of the whole affair had left him mentally exhausted. He was heard to state he was as surprised to see “That” nurse as he was to get a pass from Shooter. Well the statement was overheard by hospital staff who, by law, has to report dangerous statements. Seems you can not use the words surprised and shooter in the same sentence anymore without being considered a risk. When reported, the Commish was detained for observation and counseling.





So….Where has the Commish been the past few Tuesdays?

Well, due to his mental exhaustion and dangerous statements; he has been in sessions with his doctor every Tuesday night since.






Seems in sessions with Dr. Sigmund Fraud the Commish has shared stories of his TNHL friends; Dr. there is Tony Romo, Tiny Tim, Sponge Bob, Crabby and Sixpack. The doctor has explained to the Commish that imaginary friends are fine for a young child, but as a grown man he should interact with reality and meet real people as friends. Which makes the Commish state; No, no They ARE real. The doctor scuffs at him and says what about the scarecrow and tin man? The Commish screams; THERE WAS A TIN MAN, he moved to LA last year. I also have a friend Rusty, who gives me deer dick. This causes the doctor to recommend more treatment and counseling for the following Tuesdays. So now the Commish fines himself in a catch 22; Every time he talks to the doctor trying to get free from the mental health system, he gets in trouble when he mentions his “Imaginary Friends”. You would think he would talk about other friends, outside of TNHL, but apparently he doesn’t have any. The Commish is still trying to be free of the Health System. Hopefully he has the sense to tell them he is homeless so they will release him on the streets of Philadelphia.

To think this all could have been avoided if the Commish wore socks with his hockey skates, knew what a sponge bath was, a republican was president and he had some friends with real names or real friends he could name.

Come back soon Commish. All this peace and love on the ice is driving us crazy!